Tiva Lee Samaru
educator. performance artist. creative soul

Blog

Autobiographical, so to speak.

A BUSY PLACE

A human mind is a busy place. When daydreaming about a way to record how much data permeates one’s mind minute to minute, electrifying is the only word that wishes for recognition.

Considering that, thinking is a guilty pleasure that brews a refreshing sense of humanity within. It arouses every single known and unknown sensation of consciousness, which is particularly helpful when immersed in creativity. Consequentially, overthinking is a by-product of this love for thought, so management is essential. Like many other things in life, boundaries are necessary.

Nevertheless, the mind and its ability to produce thought is an absolute element of wonder with both delightful and displeasing effects. Ironically, each person is accountable for the internal and external impact of this unique human characteristic. However, this beautiful space is arduous to navigate, making it understood why displeasing effects exist.

At the same time, this is what living is. Choices and consequences with the mind like a supreme being at the center of it all. A master of the universe within. Subjectively speaking, this caliber of divinity longs to encourage conscious living. Likewise, the human body as a whole wears this same intention. For instance, when infection compromises normal bodily function, it responds. Several organs and cells assume warrior-like roles and a battle for victory ensues. However, for some humans, defeat is the outcome. This defeat correlates with the displeasing effects of thought.

When defeat comes, curative treatment takes priority. When the displeasing thoughts come, change usually relies on positive thinking, meditative practices, and even communication. For some, a pharmaceutical drug is a common remedy and in certain circumstances plays a vital role in remedying a mind diseased with deeply displeasing thoughts and the effects thereof. Personal preference leans toward less reliance on pharmaceuticals, but that seems like an impossible expectation. Another often overlooked treatment is self-growth, as some minds rely on maturity - gaining that wisdom that comes with age as the saying goes. Generally speaking, some souls are more tolerable than others, some humans are actually better with positive thinking as a daily regimen, while some rely on self-growth, at times even relying on experience to trigger the act of change.

Differences right? They exist even in nature, space and time.

However, the common denominator is, the mind is an essential human characteristic, one who holds so much power, that can either create significant growth or destruction.

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Deep immersion into this topic commenced after stumbling upon this archived newspaper clipping. An image of a wholesome, twenty-something-year-old self, posing at the end of a catwalk surrounded by un-pictured onlookers, photographers, and other beautiful models. A favorite with an enlightening back story.


The warmth of the sun matched the heat of the people. Music blasted while spectators settled into their seats for a fashion show. Tea parties and fashion shows were trendy around that time. Several weeks earlier, a representative of Peter Elias, a highly revered Trinidadian beauty-queen maker, telephoned with a request to seek out my services as a model for this show.

On that sunny day, other more recognized models and beauty queens filled the backstage\dressing room area. They mingled with friends of equal stature and heartily conversed with the local designers displaying pieces at the show. As eyes perused the happenings, a sense of doubt and insecurity crept in. Self-criticism thrived, as thoughts ran amok with fear and polluted a previously calm mind. Comfort within one’s skin seemed futile as a body fell victim to this debauchery. The comparison of their beauty and popularity to mine along with negative assumptions about public opinion and particularly fear of being harshly criticized led a mind into the displeasing state described above.

The strength of the mind. It’s comparable to looking at a tranquil sea turn into a tsunami right before your eyes.

Crippling in a way, because although the body is poised to react, the initiation of necessary, safety-related actions comes a few seconds after. Likewise with the mind. Displeasing thoughts flood in, supportive habits such as positive thinking, wait in the wings, then storm in to eradicate the threat. However, sometimes, the aid is too late, and like the tsunami, those displeasing thoughts retreat, leaving only carnage behind.

Sitting comfortably, with the support of a brown leather couch underneath me, I feel a tangible sense of safety. The possibility of dropping to the ground remains non-existent unless of course, the sofa magically disappears. In comparison, sitting in the backstage area before walking down the runway, a sense of mental betrayal filled a nervous body. Support was non-existent, and the collapse into unappealing thoughts became a reality. The notable thing is that all of this internal chaos went unseen by the surrounding bodies flitting around. Sometimes that lack of awareness sends a mind plummeting deeper into fear; as it expects recognition for all its strenuous exertion.

Truthfully, recognition should exist internally as a means of clarifying and resolving its effects. Easy to say, but challenging to execute, especially when the stakes are very high.

Walking down the runway claims a spot on the high stakes list. Why? Because of the staring eyes, uttered or unuttered criticisms, and expectations from the designer and the audience. In turn, this raises the model’s expectations and at times make them their worst critic. Consequences of the former come with devastating effects, which the relatively recent rise of disguising truths about the modeling industry clearly illustrates. Yes, one may contend that any profession open to public view validates their opinion. However, these opinions, at times tend to dwell in low places and disregard common courtesy.

Nevertheless, even within the ridiculing and belittling world of some branches of public opinion, one must remain grounded in truth and sentiments about oneself. More than that, one must heal those inner wounds, set them free by releasing fear and proudly walk down a runway or share themselves with the public amidst the known truth that someone will most likely use their discourteous tongue. Unfortunately, opinion comes in several forms such as those that are civil and constructive and those meant to rip holes in one’s soul. Wishful thinking hopes to see civil and constructive opinions as the only existing form, but until the entire collective awakens to and honors the value of civility even within the expression of opinion that is in disagreement or against the general view, then discourtesy will co-exist.

As previously mentioned, differences exist in nature, space and time. That said, one should consider how these differences are embraced and expressed without the need for discourteous expression. To disapprove or dislike something is a given right, but think about how your word choices can result in civil and constructive expression of opinion, even when disapproval, disagreement or indifference drives the need to say something — a powerful and influential thing to say the least. Now ask yourself, why use a beautiful thing like words against another? Why use a beautiful thing like words against you? After contemplation of those questions and their respective answer, it lends awareness about why many, myself included, nurture fear within and of others, and gives more in-depth insight into why fear invaded my mind on that day, years prior and after; not only as it relates to walking down a runway but other facets of life.

Ironically, as eyes peruse the above image, past criticism seems like an evil illusion. However, maybe that way of being had a role to play.

Each person’s journey through this life differs. Struggles and sense of self, change from person to person. Additionally, upbringing and experience vary as well, all of which contributes to the person you are and I am in this moment. The defining thing is how one decides to move forward, either using their past as a catalyst for healing and continued growth or stagnation of self-love which only perpetuates cycles of displeasing effects.

Today, I am presently a thirty-something-year-old woman who has embraced the existence of every single self-sabotaging thought, not for what they invoked at the moment but for the lessons they provided. For the enlightenment they shared. You see, it’s effortless to accept the superficial layers of those thoughts and believe in that. Nonetheless, it’s so much more to look beyond the surface and understand the why’s. To realize that a storm isn’t only meant to destroy, but to cleanse and that awareness has an impact on a personal and collective level.

As that newspaper clipping fades, the memory remains as a reminder of past and present, then and now and all else to come in the future.

I am no longer negatively triggered in my mind but empowered. The over thinking and displeasing thoughts come, but the ability to decipher their messages and allow instigation of conscious, slightly higher conscious choices is the defining change. Additionally, the realization that feelings express themselves through thoughts and those thoughts express themselves through words. This knowledge allowed an understanding of the significant inner work needed to be at peace within oneself and share that peace with others. It also nurtured conscious awareness of personal opinions which influenced, over time, a strong sense of consideration and responsibility to cultivate and exercise civil and constructive views about things, situations, others, and their respective opinions.

That last sentence revisits the statement that each person is accountable for the internal and external impact of their mind. You know yourself best, and if you don’t know, then that needs to be a priority. Remember, you are the treasurer of your history and the writer of your future and your opinion about something, or someone, when shared in the collective space can either encourage others to adopt and engage in civility or discourteousness.

Considering this and the storm analogy from an earlier point in this post, when a storm has come and gone, do you sit in mourning over the loss it left, or do you sit in gratitude over the opportunity to rebuild using the broken bits of the past and the sense of strength turmoil brought your way?